How To Reclaim Pleasure and Power in Midlife

FULL TRANSCRIPT:

NATTY (00:00)

So I am Natty Frasca, rebel rouser, pleasure coach for midlife women. I’m obsessed with helping women live turned on lives. I’m a mom of three. I’m a total nerd, lover of science, pleasure and sisterhood, especially at this stage of our lives. I believe our age is our superpower. ⁓ And I believe that it’s time women stop playing small.

 

And I’m also the founder of the Feminine Rebellion.

 

DI (00:33)

I’m Di Gillett and this is the Power of Women podcast. We’re a platform that showcases and celebrates the strength, resilience and achievement of women from all walks of life. And this is your seat at the table. So hit follow and the subscribe button and make sure you are sure to be part of every bold, unfiltered, game-changing story we tell here at the Power of Women podcast.

 

Today my guest is Natty Frasca and she is a fierce advocate for midlife as your revolution. Joining me from Boston, she’s here to flip the script on aging, on success and what it really means to feel alive again. So where are we going to talk about the neuroscience of pleasure, reclaiming your power at any age and how to own every damn room you walk into. Natty Frasca.

 

Welcome to the Power of Women podcast.

 

NATTY (01:33)

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for having me here. It’s my absolute pleasure, and I mean that.

 

DI (01:40)

Nettie, for those who are just meeting you in my part of the world, all for my international followers, tell us a little about who you are.

 

NATTY (01:50)

Yeah, sure. So I’m the founder of the Feminine Rebellion. I am a coach for midlife women who look like they have it all on the outside, but feel little numb, burned out, or like something is missing. And I help these women unbind from all of the BS conditioning about

 

how women are supposed to behave, ⁓ who we should be and help them connect with their own pleasure, with power, with presence. ⁓ Yeah, I believe when a woman comes alive, she becomes completely unstoppable. And there’s a massive ripple effect to that. ⁓ It changes families, communities and the world. So I’m here for big things.

 

DI (02:43)

Fabulous. So could we start with just a little bit about your story? Because you were in the corporate world, married, three kids, beautiful home, successful career. But as I understand it, there was a pivot point for you because it didn’t all gel.

 

NATTY (03:01)

It didn’t all gel. was, it happened over a few years where I just started feeling really numb. I remember lying in bed and thinking, you know, there’s something off. Why aren’t I happy? I feel like I have all of this, you know, why aren’t I grateful for it? And there was actually quite a bit of shame and guilt attached to that.

 

I actually asked for a divorce at that time. I thought if I just burned down my marriage, ⁓ I would be free to do what I wanted. Well, it’s a we had been in couples therapy for years and it’s a really interesting story and this is probably like the pivot point for me. ⁓ We were in a couple therapy session and I just decided I wanted out and I wanted to kind of start a fresh life and

 

DI (03:41)

How did that go?

 

NATTY (04:00)

My therapist, our therapist said, so, you know, what do you want? And I said, you know, a condo in the center of town, someone to shovel my walkway, you know, a nanny and, you know, probably like a lover or two. And he laughed and he’s like, no, no, no, that’s not what I meant. ⁓ Let me ask it a different way, Natty. ⁓ How do you, how do you want to feel? How do you want to feel? And I was like, wait.

 

I don’t understand the question. How do I want to feel? I was completely stumped. you know, grew up in the youngest of three kids, Italian American family, very, you know, Catholic, really learned how to work hard, how to hustle, how to keep up with the boys. I never thought about how I wanted to feel.

 

⁓ But I paused and what came to me was a vision and it was this vision of myself at my kitchen counter stirring like a pot of my grandmother’s ragu. Jerry Garcia is on the radio. I’ve got three little kids. They’re dancing wildly and my husband comes up behind me, rests his beard on my neck, puts a glass of Cabernet next to me and like wraps his arms around my waist.

 

And I started to cry. And I was like, that’s, I described what I saw and I said, that’s how I want to feel. I want to feel seen, adored, taken care of, revered like a queen. I want to be the center of your universe. I want to feel. And it was, as I was saying those words, I was so, I was kind of embarrassed.

 

DI (05:46)

You felt how far you were from that?

 

NATTY (05:50)

Well, no, I was embarrassed because I thought of myself as this real hustle go-getter feminist.

 

DI (05:57)

And that’s not what you’re asking for. Yeah.

 

NATTY (06:00)

Yeah. And what I, when I paused and dropped in and thought about what I really wanted and it just came to me, it was the opposite of what I thought I wanted. You know, I had a high powered career. I was a, you know, it was like a Girl Scout leader. I was, you know, cooking organic meals from scratch and batching them in my, I mean, I was like,

 

Martha Stewart meets, I don’t know, whatever, you know.

 

DI (06:32)

On steroids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

NATTY (06:34)

Yeah. And I like didn’t care about, you know, I was like, I can’t believe I actually, all I want is love. And all I want to do is slow down. And then that was like, cracked something open in me. And I thought I’ve been doing all of this wrong. And in that moment, my husband said to me, well, I can’t believe you’re saying this. Like, I want to give that to you, but you won’t let me.

 

DI (07:01)

way.

 

NATTY (07:03)

And I was like, what? And so that was the beginning of us kind of repairing our marriage. But really, it was the beginning of my own personal journey. That it was like, I don’t need to be so tough. I don’t need to be so fierce in that way only. I can also be like fiercely, I can be an advocate for myself.

 

And that, you know, wanting to slow down, wanting to be loved, wanting to be touched, wanting to be adored. So that was 10 years ago. Yeah. So it’s been a journey of unbecoming, unbinding from all of these narratives that I had inherited ⁓ and, you know, reclaiming pleasure for myself, for no one else, stopping people pleasing.

 

really becoming so beautifully selfish ⁓ and just coming alive. So that’s a long answer to your question.

 

DI (08:00)

Yeah.

 

And can I ask, did the marriage make it or did you?

 

NATTY (08:12)

Yes, my god, yes. Wow. Yeah, so we’re 23 years in.

 

DI (08:16)

congratulations. That’s pretty cool because you were right up against the glass of walking away by the sounds of it.

 

NATTY (08:24)

I had a lawyer. Yeah. I was, yeah, I was, I was ready to go and, you know, he said, let’s, you know, let’s, let’s try it a different way. And, you know, I don’t believe in sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and everything’s perfect. You know, it’s just, that’s bullshit as far as I’m concerned. So I’ve, ⁓ committed this marriage. We are friends. We have shit. Of course. Right.

 

DI (08:51)

Have a shit. Yeah.

 

NATTY (08:53)

I’ve coached hundreds of women and even ones who were happily married. You know, we all think about burning it down from moment to moment, to month. I mean, come on.

 

DI (09:10)

We do. I’m just about to hit 20 years and you know, right? You’d be lying if you said it was all good. That’s just not how the world works.

 

NATTY (09:20)

be lying. But this is the thing is that like people do lie and people do pretend. And that is what I’m here to help dismantle is that the more women that can actually tell the truth and show their cards and be honest.

 

about where they are in their lives, I mean, the stronger their collective becomes, right? We don’t have to do this work alone. It’s like we’ve been taught to pretend. We’ve been taught to like say, I’m fine. It’s all good. When on the inside, we’re dying. And that’s where it was 10 years ago. You know, everyone thought that I had it all.

 

DI (10:05)

So with the work you’re doing with high achieving women and them getting really honest with themselves, is there a common thread going around and the narrative of commonality or is it all unique?

 

NATTY (10:21)

It’s pretty common. It’s pretty common. It’s, it’s, I’ve checked every box, but I still feel empty. I miss feeling sexy and free and alive. I’m exhausted from holding it all together for everyone. ⁓ I want more, but I don’t even know what that looks like. They’re all carrying so much and

 

They’re terrified that wanting more makes them selfish or a bad person or ungrateful. ⁓ But they’re really craving a life where they feel fully themselves, where they feel purposeful, where they feel on fire, where they feel free. ⁓ So it’s really same, same.

 

DI (11:12)

Yeah and in terms of, mean I’m asking this almost knowing the answer but I’m often surprised. What is the common age where the wheels start to fall off?

 

NATTY (11:24)

45, 46 when they start to fall off. ⁓

 

50 when they decide something has to change. Yeah.

 

It’s like a magic moment. It’s I don’t know whether it’s like it’s just the halfway point. It’s a really clean line. But 50 just seems to be like a switch.

 

DI (11:40)

Mm-hmm.

 

Sure is, but…

 

Yeah.

 

Yeah. Yeah. So let’s talk about pleasure because I know that’s one of your ⁓ big calling cards. Yeah. Why do so many women disconnect from it? What’s the reason?

 

NATTY (12:10)

Well, we live in a patriarchal society that has completely disconnected us from pleasure because we’re taught from a very early age

 

DI (12:21)

to

 

perform.

 

NATTY (12:24)

Yeah, exactly. To perform, to slap a smile on our face, to produce, to please everyone around us but ourselves. And those narratives, you I call it the patriarchal pathway. So, you know, it’s a very well-worn pathway for how a woman should be in the world, right? So you should do well in school.

 

You should dress like a lady, cross your legs. Notice my legs up on my desk. I’m actively rebelling. ⁓ You know, do well in school. ⁓ You know, level up in your career. Find a man to marry, have children, continue, you know, please take care of, be the epicenter of this family. Take care of everyone else. Be the emotional caregiver and the physical caregiver. And

 

You know, it doesn’t stop, right? We emotionally care give our male partners. you know, we just never have, has anyone taught us to be in touch with what we want or what turns us on, right? And

 

you know, when I talk about pleasure, people’s minds immediately go to the hypersexual. Yeah. But it isn’t just about sex. That’s one part of it. That’s one end of the spectrum. But really pleasures anything that lights you up, anything that engages your senses and makes you feel alive. It’s it’s dancing to your favorite music. It’s eating.

 

your lunch, you know, outside on your stoop in the sunshine, right? It’s deep belly laughs with like your sisterhood. It’s also maybe stillness in the forest. It’s so unique, right? But pleasure is also deep presence with yourself. It’s like the moment where you drop out of your head and into your body. And

 

you learn over time as you practice pleasure and you pump more of this into your life, you know, what turns you on? What are the things that make you feel alive? And then that way, becoming present to pleasure becomes super powerful because we can begin to shift. We can use it as a compass to kind of begin to shift our lives in that direction. And, ⁓ I you can start small,

 

But then, you know, I’m 10 years in and, you know, I’m like going dancing in Ibiza next month with a group of girlfriends, you know, I’m going to see a concert in Amsterdam in three months. it’s like I’m just can’t stop won’t stop because it feels so good.

 

DI (15:18)

Yeah.

 

So when you’ve got these women in the room that you’re coaching Natty and you ask them, do they have pleasure in their lives? What’s the answer? What are they saying?

 

NATTY (15:33)

⁓ Well, it’s a mix of answers mostly like know what is pleasure. I don’t know what you mean, you yeah

 

DI (15:39)

That’s what I thought it would be. Yeah. Because there would be a word that isn’t in their vocab.

 

NATTY (15:44)

Well, usually by the time people work with me, they followed me for a while. So they know a little bit about what I’m, what I’m saying. But if someone’s brand new to my world, there’s a little bit of education that’s happening. And, you know, oftentimes I’ll ask the question, what did you love to do when you were a kid? So, you know, maybe it’s, you know, playing in the woods, maybe it’s dancing and we look for ways to.

 

bring that back into the surface of their everyday lives. Right? If you love to dance when you were a kid, you know, go take up a shuttle lesson. You know, see if you can get that feeling back in your body. We’re the same person. Yeah. The things that turned us on at seven are going to turn us on at 57.

 

DI (16:30)

So for the woman listening who hasn’t tapped into that yet, what’s one small thing she could do to turn up the dial?

 

NATTY (16:40)

I love this. ⁓ One question I love for women to ask themselves regularly, and I would encourage your listeners to do this, is to take 60 seconds, take a deep breath, close your eyes, come into your body and ask yourself the question, what would feel really good right now?

 

It’s so simple. But when I’m feeling a little bit off or I know I need a break or I’m sitting at my desk too long and I say, you know, what would feel really good right now? ⁓ Sometimes it’s just like stretching on my yoga mat next to my desk. Sometimes it’s like hitting my favorite Spotify playlist. Sometimes it’s a hot bath or like I always have a hot cup of tea.

 

So starting to tune in. Your body is brilliant and she will respond. It could be as simple as go get a glass of water.

 

DI (17:49)

Yeah.

 

NATTY (17:50)

But just that one question.

 

DI (17:52)

Yeah, interesting. So coming up, let’s talk about redefining aging and visibility.

 

If you’re loving the Power of Women podcasts, be sure to jump onto our YouTube channel and hit that subscribe button to ensure you never miss an episode.

 

So touching on aging, what’s the biggest misconception people have about it? How long have we got?

 

NATTY (18:19)

Yeah, this exactly. The biggest misconception is that aging is the decline, that it’s loss, that it’s, you know, irrelevance. It’s complete bullshit. Aging is our superpower. Yes. mean, aging is my wisdom, right? It’s my sharper boundaries. It’s giving fewer fucks about what other people think. It’s

 

you know, finally feeling free enough to just be yourself. mean, most of us are taught to dread aging, but I mean, I woke up, you know, at 40 and realized I’d been following these rules, all these rules that hadn’t made me happy and decided to stop being smaller, younger, quiet, you know, stop.

 

being the smaller version of myself and what I’ve realized now almost a decade later is all the fires I’ve walked through and that every single woman I’ve ever worked with has walked through. Like if you look back in your life and you look at all of the portals of transformation, like leaving people, changing jobs, know, moving house, raising children maybe, and like the hard crunchy moments, that is wisdom.

 

That is deep, deep wisdom. feel like I have never been smarter than I am or wiser than I am right now.

 

DI (19:50)

Yeah, he’s to that.

 

NATTY (19:52)

Yeah, and every woman I work with is so damn wise, so I’m just like, age, bring it on.

 

DI (20:00)

So you’ve come from the world of advertising. How much of that world hasn’t caught up? Because if I see another ad for an aged care home for saying women in their 50s look gray and finished, I mean…

 

NATTY (20:17)

I don’t know if we’re ever going to break free from that narrative, to be honest. mean, I think we’re in the middle of something right now that feels really powerful. This reclamation of the feminine, of feminine power, the reclamation of aging women, the reclamation of midlife. I mean, it’s in the water right now. And that’s fricking amazing.

 

DI (20:45)

I mean just jump on Instagram. It’s being shouted. I mean…

 

NATTY (20:49)

Yeah,

 

it is being shouted and I think it’s going to take us. Now it’s going to take more of us. that’s, you know, that’s one of the reasons why I do this work. It’s like the ripple effect of this work. The more women that I can work with, the more people I can connect with to, you know, show them, you know, the bullshit rules that we have been living under and how and to start disrupt them.

 

you know, the better off we all will be. But I mean, the beauty industry, let’s face it, it’s, I mean, how many billion dollar industry is it? You know, I haven’t looked it up recently, but it’s got to be in the hundreds of billions, right? Yeah. I think the most power that I have and anyone who has children, like I’ve got two daughters who are 21 and 20. And, you know, we just have these conversations all the time.

 

DI (21:44)

the men around you saying as they see what you’re doing and what you’re advocating? Are they on board? Are they challenged? What are they saying?

 

NATTY (21:54)

The people in my life are all about it. I mean, they are, you know, my fierce advocates. ⁓ My husband is a feminist. He is, you know, really at my back. ⁓ My dad, who is a 78 year old Italian American guy, thinks this is really fucking cool. And ⁓

 

You know, it gets a little uncomfortable when I use the word pussy. But, you know, but he’s on board. You know, I have two brothers, you know, I know they’re proud of me. ⁓ So and to be honest, I don’t have anyone in my life who isn’t on my side. I’m done with that. Yeah. Like the people in my life are

 

DI (22:44)

Yeah, they don’t need.

 

NATTY (22:53)

My kind of people.

 

DI (22:54)

Yeah, brilliant. So for women listening who might not feel that power yet and still pleasures and still feel the pressure that they have to toe the line, what’s a shift around redefining how they age appropriately? Because I mean, that’s a phrase we grew up with.

 

NATTY (23:19)

Yeah, I guess it would start by maybe asking yourself or even journaling on this question, like, what have I gained with age? Great question. Instead of counting their wrinkles, count your courage. Like, actually look back.

 

It’s a great practice because we’re survivors. Yep. We’re survivors. I mean, it’s just in our DNA.

 

DI (23:56)

And visibility is one of these huge topics that I think as the midlife woman approaches that certain age that they struggle with. I doubt that you struggle with visibility. It’s not one of my things that I struggle with, but I’m sure you’re talking to women every day who feel like they’re shrinking from view. How do you walk into a room

 

NATTY (24:21)

Yeah.

 

DI (24:25)

and really start to show up and change that narrative both literally and in your own mind.

 

NATTY (24:35)

I think when we think about visibility sometimes, or we think about owning a room, ⁓ we have a picture in our heads of a very masculine way of owning a room. owning a room in the way we’ve seen people own rooms before is this kind of power over idea, know, like, ⁓ yeah, kind of in an arrogant kind of way. And

 

Women, think, have a very special power, is that we can own a room just by our presence. We don’t need to jockey for position. It’s just being deeply present and walking into a space and feeling like I belong here, being grounded in your body, making eye contact.

 

speaking slowly, not trying to prove yourself, right? Letting your authenticity shine, your quirks, your humor, your wisdom, your truth. And there are some small shifts that women can make before walking into a room, taking a really deep breath, standing up straight.

 

rolling your shoulders back, you know, lifting your chest a little bit. And, you know, instead of thinking to yourself, I hope they like me. One question that I ask myself is, do I even like them?

 

DI (26:20)

Yeah, that’s gonna say flip the narrative. And the latter opens you up. The former shrinks you down physically.

 

NATTY (26:29)

Yeah, it does that the latter is curiosity, right? It’s like huh and thinking about like who in that room would I like to connect with? Mm-hmm instead of thinking they’re walking into a room of 30 people Who am I curious about? Yeah, and connect with that one human being

 

DI (26:46)

Yeah.

 

When did you walk into a room and really feel that sense of presence and that sense of groundedness? How old were you?

 

NATTY (27:01)

When I felt presence and groundedness, hmm. I think I rea- to be honest, I ha- I felt that way my whole life probably until I got into a boardroom.

 

And when I got into a boardroom, I thought to myself, I’m not smart enough to be here.

 

And I don’t know enough. I don’t know enough about financials. I can’t add anything to this conversation. And it’s actually regretfully ended up leaving that position ⁓ because of that. I think I mean, I told my son. Yeah. It’s man, do I regret that. But I just.

 

I do. mean, and that was probably, you know, 12 years ago. I think I was overwhelmed. had small kids. I told myself I couldn’t ⁓ handle the time commitment, but really it was me feeling like I didn’t belong.

 

You were invited there for a reason.

 

People want you there because of who you are and what you bring to the table. And we are so conditioned to believe that our worth is tied up with how many degrees we have or ⁓ what’s on your resume. But really, our power comes from how we think outside the box, how we connect with other human beings.

 

And in retrospect, I’m really great at those two things. And that’s probably why I was invited into the room.

 

DI (28:47)

Yeah, you missed the cue. Yeah. So I’m going to, I typically do a one bold question and answer to close, but Natty, I’m going to change it up a little bit with you because I think this is kind of your jam. So if we could do a couple of rapid fire responses, I would love your thoughts on three questions.

 

NATTY (28:50)

I miss the cube.

 

Okay, okay, let’s do it.

 

DI (29:17)

So what one rule midlife women should break immediately?

 

NATTY (29:22)

Stop apologizing for wanting more.

 

DI (29:26)

Love it. What brings you pleasure right now?

 

NATTY (29:31)

Dancing in my kitchen with my husband.

 

DI (29:35)

And if you could finish this sentence, the most powerful thing a midlife woman can do is…

 

NATTY (29:43)

Trust herself so fiercely that she stops waiting for permission and just goes out to live the freaking life she wants to live.

 

DI (29:56)

And there you have it. Natty, fantastic and you’re absolutely right, this village of women out there promoting midlife women, there’s plenty on my side of the globe and there’s plenty on your side of the globe. And we’ve got to get out there and shout from the rooftops because

 

We’ve got to change that narrative of the misconception of what midlife looks like. It’s a starting point, it’s not a finishing point.

 

NATTY (30:27)

Mmm, it is. It’s a launch pad. It’s a launch pad.

 

DI (30:32)

Absolutely. And I mean, you would have seen it where you are. I mean, it’s why there are so many 50 plus year old female entrepreneurs just burgeoning because we’re sick of following the rules. We finally understand what we’ve got to offer and we’ve got the confidence, the wisdom and the lived experience to get out there and do it.

 

NATTY (30:55)

We do, we do. Amen.

 

DI (30:59)

Amen. Brilliant. Nadi, an absolute delight to have you on the Power of Women podcast. It’s taken us a couple of goes to get there, but we finally have.

 

NATTY (31:11)

Thank

 

you for your patience.

 

DI (31:15)

⁓ you’re welcome. And I put it to anybody listening to today’s episode of ask yourself what is bringing you pleasure. Until next time.